Why are the dishes in the dryer? (a meltdown, a breakthrough, and lists of big-ass dreams) | ep 15
So, real talk: I didn’t plan on falling all the way apart the week before my birthday.
I didn’t plan on crying for 3 days straight (maybe 4, but who’s counting?).
I didn’t plan on requiring hugs like water.
I didn’t plan on wondering why the fuck are the dishes in the dryer?
But, here we are.
I have been in a full-on spiral wondering if I’m moving through some intense energetic cosmically aligned breakthrough (which, let’s not ignore that there was an intense full moon in Scorpio on May 12th and crazy energetic Schumann Resonance releases) or just a full-on nervous system breakdown.
Turning 36 came in hot, baby. And loud. And emotional. And full of tears, elevated anxiety, and depression.
But what I intended to do?
Celebrate my birthday with you all! I love birthdays and ever since college, I’ve been a huge celebrator of my own. And I had the beautiful opportunity of my birthday falling on the weekend all throughout college. Aye!
But, every single bit of my being said “No. Not today sweetheart.”
Maybe you’ve also had one of those weeks (months? years?) where absolutely nothing makes sense. Where you’re at your lowest, nothing feels comforting, you can’t figure it out.
Like, why the fuck are the dishes in the dryer?!? That was the only phrase that even came close to describing the chaos I was experiencing leading up to the 36th chapter of my life.
And instead of trying to clean it all up before sharing, I just hit record.
when nothing is where it’s supposed to be
“Why are the dishes in the dryer?”
For years, I had a birthday tradition I did on Instagram.
I’d share a new photo of myself, one where I’m really radiating in joy, presence, and happiness. And I’d reflect on all I’d done either in that past year or up to that point. Then, I’d share what I called my “Impossible List” full of big ass dreams that may be deemed “impossible” so fuck it, why not claim em, right?
It’s been a little while since I’ve done this so given I now have the podcast, I wanted to revitalize the tradition here.
Cue the existential breakdown leading up to my birthday.
I sat amidst all of this confusion and actually reflected on my year to try and make sense of something to share. One of my questions asked:
“What would you title this chapter of your life?”
Well, in that very moment? Why the fuck are the dishes in the dryer? That’s all that made sense and that’s exactly what it felt like.
Who put these in here? Who turned this on?? Why can’t I stop it!! Shit. I gotta buy a new dryer.
I had to laugh (and I’m glad I could) because it perfectly summed up the absurdity of everything I was feeling.
Nothing felt like it was in the right place.
My emotions. My needs. My support system. My dreams.
It all felt off — not just out of order, but in the completely wrong machine.
And here’s the thing: I couldn’t fix it.
Couldn’t reorganize it. Couldn’t deep-breathe my way out of it.
But… I’m supposed to be out here living life differently, right? I’m supposed to be showing up for anyone out there listening, for others showing up on the show. I’m supposed to be a coach.
I should know how to help someone through this. Through something like this and I am always my first client. But… I couldn’t.
And I just had to accept it. I had to ride that fucking wave with all the noise and the chaos and the shattering ceramics and glasses, just staring in complete and utter disbelief, shock, and reverence, even. Cause how the hell was I still breathing and living through all of this?
So, I let it run. Like an actual broken dryer full of shattered plates.
No quick solutions. Just... letting the chaos cycle through.
Sometimes, that's all you can do.
(also, you can call your doctor and tell them that the new anxiety medicine they switched you to is fucking you up in the worst of ways and you can’t take it. a good one will listen and support you.)
what I hope you take from this...
Because yeah, I love telling stories. But I also want you to get something from this episode — something real.
Here’s what came through:
1. breakdowns don’t mean you’re broken.
They mean something’s shifting. They’re uncomfortable, ugly, inconvenient… and lowkey sacred.
Sometimes life has to break open to let the next version of you breathe.
2. being around people doesn’t mean you feel supported.
I live in a house with people I can’t lean on. I’m loved by folks who are miles away. And I miss being hugged in real life. That realization shook me. Because mostly what I really felt I needed was a fucking hug. Not just someone sending me a virtual hug (which, thank you, but also, fuck you with love). But it also clarified what I need moving forward: more folks in close proximity capable of holding me the way I need, of supporting me the way I desire, and who know how to and want to show up for me even in the worst of scenarios. Not folks who wish you well and leave you alone until you’re in a better place.
You deserve touch, tenderness, and community that doesn’t require an internet connection.
3. you’ve done more than you think.
I moved. I traveled. I actually finally moved on from the ex I used to always go back to. I launched a podcast. I said “no” when no one taught me how. I am not who I was a year ago. And neither are you.
Make space to celebrate the quiet wins no one claps for — those are the ones that change everything.
4. you don’t have to prove your dreams are “realistic.”
Your dreams don’t need to be marketable, productive, or pitch-ready. They just need to be yours. Desire is divine.
If it lights you up and terrifies you, it’s probably worth writing down anyway.
5. you don’t have to perform peace to make people comfortable.
I’m done saying “I’m fine” when I’m not. I’m done curating clarity in chaos. I’m letting it be messy. Loud. Real.
Peace that’s honest >>> peace that’s performative.
6. the version of you you’re becoming? she’s already here.
She’s not some “one day” fantasy. She’s in you now — tired, hopeful, glitter-covered, and growing. She just needs you to stop gaslighting her and start trusting her.
Becoming isn’t a someday thing. It’s already happening.
becoming isn’t always cute
There’s this idea that when we “become” a new version of ourselves, it’s empowering and polished. All glowing skin, fresh starts, and soft music. But that’s not how it feels from the inside.
Becoming looks like crying in your car.
It looks like saying “no” with a shaky voice.
It looks like dreaming big things while your nervous system begs for safety.
It looks like finally letting go of people who don’t pour back.
It looks like grieving a version of you that others loved, but that never really felt like you.
And through all of that?
You start to feel them.
The one you’ve been calling in.
The one who isn’t performing peace anymore.
The one who doesn’t twist herself into something more palatable.
The one who wears desire like perfume and isn’t scared to want more.
They’re not in the distance.
They’re already here — stronger in your chest, steadier in your bones.
my favorite birthday tradition:
the hell yeah, why not list (formerly the “impossible list”)
So, that “Impossible List?” Oh yeah baby, she’s still here and she still excites the hell outta me! (Listen to this podcast episode. You’ll hear it.) It’s big things. Random things. Impossible-seeming things. Not from a “vision board boss babe” place, from a deeply personal “this is what lights me up and I’m claiming it, it’s coming to me!” place.
This year’s list includes:
traveling the world. no address, just vibes, visas, and divine timing, guidance, and alignment
staying on a farm in Asturias, Spain and eating the best food of my life
interviewing Britani and Berleezy, specifically doing a rapid-fire Q+A while they play a horror game
creating a free wellness retreat for folks of color who’ve never felt welcome in those spaces, who may not feel they have access to these healing modalities and they get to actually experience them and walk away with at least one transformation (stay tuned)
interviewing Markiplier on the podcast for an October series about all sorts of things horror (along with some other amazing folks, but hey, this guy’s got like 38 million youtube followers, so maybe he’ll say yes? I’m believing he will.)
filming my family’s story as a docu-style YouTube series and having it picked up by Netflix (because whew, it’s wild)
co-creating a tattoo with a Polynesian woman artist that wraps around my arm like a whole prayer
being held like I deserve to be held (emotionally and physically — let’s not lie)
creating something beautiful with Abel Tesfaye (aka The Weeknd). I have this phenomenal visual-audio experience I’ve dreamt up for awhile
leading my own ghost hunting experience, possibly with my dad (shoutout to the me that met the Ghost Brothers and did 2 paranormal investigations in Savannah, GA!)
creating a releasing a zine and oracle cards (by the way, check out my favorite deck right now here)
And what I always include in my list:
make ice cream with Jeni from Jeni’s Ice Cream (and if you haven’t. seriously listen to the episode so you can hear me geek out over my favorite flavors)
There’s seriously more, but here’s what you’re getting in this version of the list.
No rules. No pressure. Just a sacred listing of what I’m calling in.
final words from the birthday girl
If you’re reading this and your own life feels chaotic, if your dishes are in the dryer and you’re crying into your favorite stuffed animal, I want you to know: You’re not alone. You’re not too late. You’re not too much. You’re becoming. Even if and when that shit is hella hard. And support is necessary. Find it.
And if it all breaks again?
We’ll build something better. Because we can. Because we’ve done it before. Because we’re not fucking around anymore.
Happy birthday to me. And maybe to you too, in some way.
💬 Ready to Explore This More?
Listen to the full episode above or DM me @alifedifferently — I’d really love to know if it landed in any way and what else you’d like to hear on the show.
Hey there, I’m Ronni
I help people unlearn, heal, and step into a life that’s actually theirs. Around here, we question the rules, embrace the magic, and just see what happens.
When I’m not talking manifestation, you’ll find me lost in a new oracle deck, junk journaling, crocheting, or crafting miniatures for my dollhouse.